As Many As We're Given

So hands down, by far the most commonly asked question I have received (from friends and strangers alike) since the day my pregnancy with Alizea was known is "How many kids do you want?" 

Initially, despite my convictions, my response was centered around  my desires, my dreams, my wishes for my ideal family size letting my selfishness and pride get the best of me. I always left the conversation thinking "Hmm...I don't think that jives with your beliefs, Marisa, that children are a gift from God and a blessing and that we are to be open to life always. Do you really think you have control over that?"  And I would whisper a prayer of apology for such a poor witness and pray for another chance to do better. I remember turning to Dean and asking him how to answer such a question. His solution was simple. "As many as God wants" which I liked. And got in the habit of using. For awhile. But slowly, over time, I would allow the nagging, joking or probing to the prior response to get to me and my answers then evolved into something like: "oh I don't know, we'll see" or "more than 2 or 3" clearly watering down the boldness and shifting the focus away from the Creator of life and back to me and my desires. 

Well, over the years, I've come to realize that my answers and my thinking, that a gift so miraculous & loving was alright to shun, were downright selfish. Yes, I will admit on a human, selfish level, 4 kids sounds ideal. comfortable. fun. Something Marisa can handle control. But on a spiritual/faith level, which we are called to live by every single day, what I truly want is what God wants because I do trust His ways are better than my ways and He knows my true needs way better than I do. Besides, who am I to say anything on the matter other than "Your will be done, Lord" Doesn't it it ultimately come down to trusting Him in everything, every aspect of our life even with our bodies, our fertility, our family size???

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 

Dean describes it with this anology: If we truly believe children are a gift from God, who would say prior to receiving a (material) birthday gift, "I want 8 gifts today" or I only want 3 gifts"? Noone. And if they did, we would think they were selfish. It doesn't logically make sense to try and take control of a gift which by definition is something we are to receive openly and gratefully from the Giver. He has also always challenged me with the argument that we have one life to live. That's all!  And as a wife/husband, mother/father we have the  opportunity to make a tremendous impact on the lives of our children and our children's children, to influence generations upon generations. In his words, "to miss that opportunity to impact so many lives because of one selfish act is unfathomable" (That's your daddy, girls!)

I recently came across 2 particular sites which have impacted me so much and ultimately inspired me to write this post. 1 is from a former atheist, who converted to Catholicism. Her amazing story is found here. The other is a well known Protestant couple/family who has their own TV show! The Duggars: 20 and Counting. As in, twenty kids! Their story is found here. If you have the chance, check them out. POWERFUL testimonies of God's love.

So, for the record, my new and improved response to the infamous inquiry "So, how many kids do you want?" (in case you were wondering too) will be  ....."As many as we're Given!" It feels right. And I can honestly, truthfully and joyfully express that I do in fact want as many (gifts) as God gives us whereby I can freely live as I was created to be trusting solely in and in total dependence on the Maker of Life (because God only knows you have no other choice as a mom!!!)

Two months

It’s hard to believe you are already 2 months old, sweet G. You are a complete and utter joy and blessing to our family! You were conceived at such a challenging time in our marriage, immediately after daddy’s return from a year-long separation. It was difficult to be pregnant when we were adjusting and transitioning to family life again & getting to know each other as all 3 of us had changed tremendously. I even remember questioning God’s timing at times. It was a tad stressful to say the least…..but then you came.

You have such a sweet, calm, peaceful demeanor. You bring such balance to our family.
-You are very 'easy-going': I am amazed & very impressed at how well you respond to big sisters’ rough love, the countless pokes and probes, scratches and yes, bites (or rather, bite in the singular - pretty sure she won't be doing that again after her ration of consequences).  If you are awakened by very loud, screeching voice in your ear, rather than cry you open your eyes to see what's going on and without a change in expression, close them and go right back to sleep!
I can already tell you will be very mature beyond your years:
-You have a clear way of expressing precisely your need (or I'm just getting better at this motherly instinct thing).
-My prediction is you will be a tad more reserved than big sis (although that’s not saying much –ha!). I can already tell you will enjoy your alone time.  In fact, I believe often you prefer to be put down over being held. If you are held too much you squirm and fuss & then when I put you down you seem to calm down and relax (another HUGE difference from baby numero uno)
-Your big sis had some troubles with bowel movements and passing gas but not you! From day one, you would grunt and groan and push and tighten your tiny little abdominal muscles until you relieved yourself. Daddy and I got some good laughs at your adorably representative facial expressions!
-Your smile reminds us of Alizea’s. It is big and bright and alone can bring tears of joy to my eyes on a rough (or not so rough) day!
You are also social and love the interaction and attention of others. We've also caught a laugh (sorta like a cackle) from time to time.
-You love your sleep: You have been so generous to daddy and me from day 1. You have gradually increased your sleep stretches from 4-5 hrs (in the 1st 4 wks) to 8-9 hrs (4-6wks) and are now consistently sleeping 10-11 hours at night without a single peep. It is SO very different from what we experienced with 1st born that your Dr. had to assure us that this was a clear sign of your personality and temperament and to enjoy the peace rather than worry.
 -You are so patient: I know this because even when you are hungry you squirm and find your thumb to hold you off instead of wailing instantly, increasing in intensity like some other child would do (not to mention any names, ahem).  And when you start to get upset, just the sound of my voice seems to calm you as if you already understand waiting and trusting.
I am still amazed to this day how infrequently you cry and when you do, it’s such a soft, sweet, muffled cry (unlike the ear-piercing scream of that of your big sister!)
You are so beautiful and we treasure you & love you with all of our soul!

  Anyway, happy 2 months of life! You are such an easy, perfect baby and you are the single reason I almost already feel ready to have another one! I said almost...

It's A.....nother GIRL!!!!!

Meet Genevieve Miranda Soto

Born: Sat., January 9th, 2010 3:30pm

Weight: 8 lbs.,7 oz.

Length: 21 inches

The Birth Story:

Thursday night, I got a call from 1 of Dr Linzey’s nurses asking if I would like to move my scheduled induction from Sunday am to Sat am. After much thought and discussion with my wise counselor (aka, mom) I conclude that IF I’m going to be “selfish” (in my mind) once, it’s going to be over my birth”plan” experience! As much as I am grateful to the incredible Dr I have (Dr Linzey for future reference when I'm 80 and can’t remember his name!), making his schedule a little more convenient just couldn’t convince me this time around.

Friday – Ita, mom & I go to my appt at the “maternal fetal testing” floor to have the “gel” applied to my cervix and contractions monitored for 2 ish hrs. Imeediately after application I feel regular contractions. I begin to get excited, hopeful and a little nervous that it is possible I could not go home without a baby (as the nurse said it is common for your body to go into labor soon after). I peppered the nurse with questions on how I will know I’m in labor (different from the regular, very uncomfortable contractions I felt there). I asked her how she knew I wasn’t in early labor….she said “because you’re still smiling”  She said you won’t be able to smile or laugh anymore, or eat, or walk while you are talking. At the time I thought that was such a strange, foreign concept but now looking back, she couldn’t have described it better! We stop at BJs, my all-time fav pizza place and then to Joanne’s . I continue having strong contractions & remember being very crampy and uncomfortable, some that make me stop dead in my tracks but they are beginning to spread out in timing. My mom & Ita leave just before 11pm. I slept from 11pm-4am.

Sat – 4am, I am awakened by a “pop” sound, an audible, loud “POP!” Immediately I thought my “water” broke but it was actually the mucus plug. I try to go back to sleep but I’m not sure I did. 6am – contractions begin. They are regular, VERY regular, I still didn’t think I was in labor (especially because the gel takes 24 hrs to take full effect so I thought it was still producing the contractions) however, my body must’ve known because the only thing that sounded good was a hot shower (which was very relaxing even amidst having to stop moving and hold on to the wall a few times as I breathed thru the pain). 6:30, I begin to check my phone each time I have a contraction curious as to how close they are (I was thinking about 10 minutes apart) To my surprise, they are every 5 minutes on the dot! 7:30, I call my mom & give her the rundown of the previous 8 hrs. I told her I still wasn’t sure it was real labor and that I would like to wait another hour or so before we do anything. She said “no, this is the read deal” (or something like that) and instructed me to wake up Dean because she & Ita were coming to pick up Alizea and we needed to go to the hospital. WHAT? REALLY??? COULD IT BE?!?! Here we Go! I am emotional – tears of excitement, joy, TERROR well up! The gel, it worked! Better than expected! It prepared my cervix alright, just enough to “jumpstart” my body into labor (just like a car!) Thank GOD mom initiated that decision because by 8:15 when she & Ita arrived, I was more than ready to go in hopes of getting some comfort, attention, anything!  Drive to hospital: Dean & I time them, they are 3-5 minutes apart, some strong enough to produce tears, others, strong enough to make me repeat the same word over and over (a word I never wish my children to say …) and I ask Dean in the brief time in between when I can actually talk, “why do you feel better when you cuss?” to which he replied “I don’t know but you do!” 

8:45 – we arrive to the hospital. while waiting for someone to escort us upstairs, I’m forced to grab, squeeze, lean TIGHTLY on Dean while clinching my face and closing my eyes during contractions. In between, I see a woman in the sitting area and I feel like I can read her thoughts as she looks at me with very sympathetic, caring eyes as if she had been in my shoes and would never ever forget the feeling. By 9:15 paperwork is signed, I’m being wheeled to my laboring room, nurse is giving her introductory shpeel and asking the protocol questions. I remember her saying something about having “cussable contractions” to which we laughed  and told her about the car ride. She said “yup, you’re in labor alright”. I was so excited! (remember, this is the first time, I am experiencing spontaneous, medicated-free labor! Ellen was FABULOUS! She was an absolute angel, literally a gift from God and the best nurse I could dream up! She checked me soon after. I remember telling her I was told my cervix was high and tilted thinking I was being helpful and that she would have a hard time checking my status. But she chuckled as if there were no problems getting to the opening and it felt very different. To my very pleasant surprise, she announces that I’m at 5 cm dilated and 90% effaced! WOOHOO! I remember being both SO excited and terrified at the same time! Here we go, like it or not! She asks how my pain level is and I say about an ‘8’. I make it known after she threw it out there a few times prior (without any pressure whatsoever) that I am definitely interested and ready for the “epi”. Close to an hour later, after much poking and prodding, I was completely comfortable. Ahhhh, RE-LIEF! What a wonderful thing! Within an hour I am texting everyone in my phonebook (which is why my cell phone bill was outrageous) and giving Dean permission to do whatever he wants (sleep, eat, even use his phone – an area of heated debate when planning our birth experience, etc) The next few hrs involves picture taking, monitoring, chatting w/ Ellen about her Catholic upbringing, her openness to life & a big family (she had 5 boys), her family’s connection to Bishop Jaime Soto, and she shares something very personal that Jan 9^th was the anniversary of her brother’s death (he drowned as a little boy in the neighbor's pool) We both agree he’s my birthing “angel” cheering me on with prayers as he dines with our Lord. The next time I am checked, cervix is to 9cm! Miranda and Jenny stop in to chat and help the time pass. Gigi and Aunt Laurie too! 2 hrs later, I haven’t made much progress and I begin to get nervous fearing that I came all this way and may end up having to have a c-section. Ellen says just the right things to encourage me and bring me back to my place of peace J Dr Linzey directs her to give me some pittosin to help get me the rest of the way! At 2:30ish, Tita pops in to say she has arrived!!! At the same time, Dr Linzey comes in and this time he says he’s not leaving! I remember telling Tita “see you in a little bit WITH a baby!!!” It was soooo comforting knowing she was here, present, anxiously and excitedly waiting and praying and so intimately involved in sharing this big event in my life with me! Dr Linzey checked me one final time and announces “Let’s meet this baby!” with much excitement.  He asks if I’m ready to push, Ellen feels my stomach and when it tightens she coaches me thru each push. 7 contractions & 15 minutes later, Dr Linzey lifts up the bottom of our baby….It’s another GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What an incredible moment. No less serele & beautiful and “heaven-like” than the 1^st! Dean is so excited to rush out to the waiting room & tell everyone like a proud poppa but Dr Linzey stops him and tells him to wait for the “stats” knowing they will ask ….we laugh, cry, sit in awe at our beautiful, healthy baby Genevieve with a FULL head of thick, dark hair!

A mother is the most important person on earth. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any Cathedral -- a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body. -- Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty